Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
