If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
