I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
