You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
