Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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