I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
