he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
