She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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