my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
