if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
