i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
