Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We are all done wearing pants today
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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