I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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