Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
