The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
