My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
