If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
