none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
