yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
