please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
