if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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