He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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