Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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