thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
