Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
