tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
