im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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