Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
