I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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