Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
