Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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