i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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