i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
