I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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