just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
