Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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