I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
