He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
