when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
