Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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