i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Mom said you looked used
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
COCAINE IS GR8
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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