Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
