he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Nicole vs. Life
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
