I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
