I cannot find my penis.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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