Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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