Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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