i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
