Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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