Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
